Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and
he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye,
Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear
about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be
found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end
of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The
chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says: "I think I can get you out."
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: "Grab hold of my 'thing' and pull yourself up."
The chicken does this and is pulled to safety. Moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich,
whisky for the cat."
The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar
and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and
they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!"
So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky.
Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat
hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?"
The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She
granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever."
"What did you wish for?" enquires the barman.
"A long-legged bird with a tight pussy…"
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A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me
in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave
the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Two married friends are out drinking…
One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the
headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep
upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying
out late."
His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes
into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's
asleep."
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One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she
says,
"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his
wife again.
"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
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Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're
wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.
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A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results.
Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we
don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's
Disease, the other shows Aids!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
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May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
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A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The
next time see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."
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A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to
charity, despite making over £1m that year. "First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help
from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died
and she has no one to support her four children." "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about
asking for your money." So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you
any?"
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A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question
correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."
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Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice
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While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the
personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
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A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the
tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea. One evening, the old
gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one. He ventures a little too
close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. The old
gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament. It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the
cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release
your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks
up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"
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Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger.
'Pardon?'
'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he
do?'
Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'
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Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:
'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your
hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'
'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash
judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'
'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't
you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'
'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'
'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'
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A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.
The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on
the sofa and you have the bed."
"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun.
They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.
Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."
"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."
Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."
Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if
we acted as man and wife just for a night."
"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
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While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's
take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you
want these blinds?"
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Murphy lay in hospital covered in bandages head to foot - with just two little slits for his eyes.
'What happened to you?' asked Cassidy.
'I staggered out of the pub and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through a plate glass window.'
'Begod,' said Cassidy. 'It's a good job you were wearing those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'
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A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though
their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to
the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from
God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another
sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink,
you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At
Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's,
they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in
the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it
happened to my sister!"
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A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes,
he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom
is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him,
along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down,
then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought
she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get
your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I
play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press
it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them,
just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
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A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and,
sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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A popular bar has a new robotic barman installed.
A guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "130."
So the robot goes on to make conversation about physics, astronomy and so on.
The man listens intently and thinks: "This is really cool."
Another guy comes in for a drink and the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man response: "100." So the robot starts talking about TV, the weather and so on.
The man thinks to himself: "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy comes into the bar. As with the others the robot asks him: "What's your IQ?"
The man replies: "80."
The robot says: "So, how are West Ham doing these days?"
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A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the
difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come
back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with
Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but
in reality, we are living with two sluts."
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An Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were playing Russian roulette.
Paddy Englishman used a gun with six chambers and no bullets;
Paddy Scotsman used a gun with six chambers and one bullet;
Paddy Irishman used a gun with six chambers and six bullets - but he put The gun to Paddy Englishman's head.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were reading a newspaper article about which nationalities' brains were for
sale for transplant purposes. An Irishman's or a Scotsman's brain could be bought for £500 but an Englishman's brain
cost £10,000. That proves,' said The Englishman, 'that Englishmen are much cleverer than Irishmen or Scotsmen.'
'No it doesn't,' said The Irishman, 'it just means that an Englishman's brain has never been used.'
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A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'
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A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your
finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever
seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."
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..grazie BRETT!!
